My Ex Has Borderline Personality Disorder So Why Do I feel Like the “Crazy” One?

Divorcing someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is no easy feat. When children are involved, the non-BPD person will suffer PTSD-like constellations of symptoms including depression, hopelessness, anxiety, panic attacks, angry outburst and more. Your insides are bleeding, hemorrhaging actually, and feel as though they are strewn about before you while life as you hoped it would be is nowhere in sight. You remember the distant memories of the life you thought you had, the life you both promised to work hard for together, and you continue to puke your guts out in the aftermath. Borderlines cannot hold two opposing thoughts in their mind at the same time. Therefore, you (the non BPD) are either ALL GOOD in their mind or you are ALL BAD. There is no grey area whereby you are a mostly good person who has human shortcomings and is prone to make unintentional mistakes. Through the BPD process of “splitting” you are “the bad guy” and the Borderline in your life is “the good guy.” Sexual trauma during childhood is found in more than 75% of BPD sufferers. When the abuse was occurring, he or she began the process of “splitting” that would forever alter the life course trajectory. A sexually abused child is understandably filled with rage over the inherent powerlessness of the situation and the misuse of trust. Many children may feel a sense of “badness” over being sexually abused. The borderline cannot tolerate feeling bad about his or her self so projects all the bad qualities onto the abuser while allowing the “self” to remain “apart FROM” the badness (versus “apart of”). The themes of “good me” and “bad other” repeat throughout the lifespan because those with BPD cannot integrate the simpler fact that a “bad thing” happened to the “self” which isn’t the same thing as the “self” being contaminated by the “bad act” and irreversibly damaged. Not all children who experience sexual abuse develop BPD. There are too many variables to account for properly in this blog as to why some develop BPD while others do not, so I will just say this: Children who get the therapy and help they need to properly contextualize the abuse that happened to them do not develop BPD with the same alarming frequency as those who do not get the help they need to move past the abuse. It may be that children with emotionally available parents are able to safely open up about the abuse and begin the healing process faster. Perhaps traumatized children with avoidant parents who are unavailable emotionally due to substance abuse problems, absenteeism, or mental health problems must fend for themselves via the “splitting” process – which can also be termed the “failure to integrate” process, or the process of “disassociation.” Disassociation means that the mind has left the body. During the abuse this is a life-saving technique whereby the child is not “part of” the badness, but is “apart from,” and still “all good.” The trouble with disassociation and splitting is that it cannot be easily controlled by the BPD sufferer. In times when the person should be able to feel intimacy, closeness, acceptance and other positive emotions they may not be able to. They may feel like they are outside of themselves watching themselves go through the motions but they fail to properly integrate positive emotions experientially. Therefore, the result is a lowered emotional IQ creating a chasm between themselves and their loved ones. If you are a non BPD in love with a BPD or divorcing a BPD sufferer you will share in their suffering, rage, and have “badness” projected onto you and you will only get glimpses of authentic love – this is usually at the height of the relationship and then spotty until “the big end” obliterates it altogether. You will find yourself as one more disenfranchised lover in the borderline’s pattern of volatile relationships. There is help for those with BPD and non BPD partners or exes. There are also measures that can be taken preemptively when children are biologically, genetically, or environmentally at increased risk to developing BPD. My next blog will address some of those things.